loss of a dream.
Filmx Lab was my dream. A creative business of my own. I was trusted in developing and scanning film for a lot of talented photographers in Kansas City. I met so many people through Filmx that I would have never of known otherwise. Filmx helped make me relevant in an audience I wanted to be a part of.
I failed to acknowledge my mental health, and for that my dream in Filmx caved in on itself. This lab space quickly became an unsafe environment for me to be in as it slowly began to reflect the lack of care that I was giving myself.
I was not present in my own life, and because of that, the film community I tried so hard to gather could not be present for a dream I couldn’t tender. I messily closed up shop and caught a lot of folks in my own mess with their film orders.
shame in a loss.
It’s been a few long months since I’ve emotionally bottomed out. I’m in therapy and taking medications for the first time. Since the fall of my business I’ve been looking for job which I haven’t had to do in I don’t even know how long.
There’s a lot of shame to work through.
There’s a lot of happiness that I’m trying to find.
In that search for happiness is the shell of the dream I once had — to have an identity as a reason to create, experiment, and connect with others. A reason to make art, print stickers, or make a random shirt design. A reason to be fully immersed in art and sharing in a community who cared.
I stepped foot into this lab space for the first time since my mental breakdown. I can’t help but feel extremely sad about how I worked so hard to build this and just how easily and fast I destroyed it.
The dialogue in my head that went from “You’re the Filmx Lab guy!” to “oh, you’re the Filmx Lab guy…” The thought of being forgotten entirely.
Being in this lab space was to be in my own shame.
hello, friend.
A few friends asked if I was still developing film.
“Filmx Lab is no longer.”
“I still can. I still want to.”
“I would love to help you if you trust me.”
On my journey to heal there is a light of joy in processing film for my friends who care for me. I would not as easily have the opportunity to keep developing film as a passion and a hobby. I would have had less reason to be in this space.
moving onward.
In this new chapter of my mental health journey, I decided to quietly rebrand myself. New logos, new domain, new email account…
A new take with a new state of mind.
No pressure of needing to aim for numbers or appeal to a wide audience. I exist just as I am here and I get to entertain and do what appeals to me.
I’m not sure I’ve ever allowed myself to do that.
A time to play and experiment.
A time to heal and love.
Context gained from Filmx and its self induced downfall used to inform my mental journey as I try to move forward.
a journal for myself.
A rebrand on a site that no one knows about. A lab that technically doesn’t exist. An idea to spend time with my life and reflect. An excuse to create anything I want.
A search for identity.
All for an audience of no one.
Just a journal on the internet for me and the homies.
I find this space comforting.
Just a little dumpling boy seeking out happiness.
If you’re here right now…
Thank you for being here. 💛
— Lucky Dumpling
